Thursday, August 20, 2009

Place of Acceptance

Baby items are being sold quickly! I'm tempted to have a yard sale Saturday to empty my attic & garage! It's been good to "pass it on." I've been busy looking for a new job since Mackenzie has started preschool. Each day is moving along quickly. "Not trying" to have a baby is quite different. I don't know my cycle day-I'm not looking at what my due date could be if we are "lucky." I'm not concerned with our timing. Four years of trying to conceive---it's hard work! I know that at least we tried with devout effort!

My close friend, Leah, is about to have her baby--I wish I could fly to Texas & enjoy the excitement! This is her Christmas Eve surprise baby...she is about to arrive! Leah's story
can give hope to those who deal with infertility. Until you experience infertility, you cannot imagine the pain, longing, and frusteration that someone goes through. It's a tough life. But, those infertiles who are lucky enough to conceive will treasure their baby with a great appreciation.

Another friend of mine, just found out that she is pregnant...I screamed with delight. I'm truly happy for their family. Yet, I walked away in tears knowing that this is a suprise baby---not planned....a jealousy crept into my heart. It's strange how someone who wants a child more than anything doesn't guarantee that their dream of conceiving will come to life.

I think I'm handling the transition quite well. However, I do cry when I hear a song...or when I am having a rough day. I question God. But, I have come to a place of acceptance.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Baby Sale

Well, the process is beginning to take place. I have listed baby items for sale! I am beginning to receive calls about items-and I will price things for a garage sale, as well. It really is sad, but it is the way it is meant to be. I have some precious memories-and emotional attachments to these things. As I pull them out of the attic, I have flashes of memories, that come flooding back to me.
The baby monitor, for instance...I remember watching her sleep or the times she would cry standing up in her bed...it was so sad. Rich and I had a hard time just letting her cry--it never lasted long. I would quickly pick her up and rock her to sleep.

Mackenzie turned on her mobile music--the lullaby...she remembered it! Her eyes lit up so excited to hear the old comforting sound. The pack and play-that was not "girlie" so we could use it again if we had a boy. We were so practical in purchasing bedding, toys, and stuff which could be used for girls and boys. These practical purchases---only to be used by one child. sigh.

One of my favorite purchases was the musical potty!! I made up a potty dance--and we would sing and dance everytime she would accomplish a BIG JOB. I was so proud that she was potty trained at 18 months...she was/is such a smart little girl!

So, it's time for us to have a Baby Sale.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

CD 33-What?!?!?!

I am now on cycle 33, I'm awaiting AF to arrive...my average cycle in the past two years have been 27 cycle days. I am ready and prepared for AF...just didn't think it would take this long! To those who have long cycle days, I have great compassion for you. What patience! I took a pregnancy test on Friday (-)...should I even bother to try again?

Monday, June 8, 2009

Cheering for a Team that Never Wins

Okay, so I feel like a cheerleader who is cheering for a hopeless team.

My husband can probably relate-he is a Chicago Cubs fan. He has been since he was old enough to wear a team hat-and have his own baseball glove. Since we've been together, I experienced a true "cheerleader" or fan. He has been on pins and needles hoping for a shot at the World Series. Yes, they have gotten close-but, each loss hits hard. I have noticed this is the first year since we've been married that he is keeping the Cubs at a distance. He just can't "bear" it.

Our latest cycle of test have hit us hard once again. I am of getting tired of this whole process.
So, we had the sperm analysis this month. Rich passed with flying colors!! Then, the post-coital test...my left ovary was anticipating a release within a few hours. But, we failed the test-no semen! What?!?

Despite having great timing, we get knocked down with a real blow. Yet, I still remain hopeful.
I bought another box of First Response pregnancy test (3 count). Then, I called the RE to hear my results from the progesterone test. It was a 7.8! UGH! Can you believe it? So, this month, we have a no semen & low progesterone...it really is difficult to cheer for Team Baby!

I remember distinctly telling my husband that if we still were trying to conceive by the month before my 36th birthday...I would definitely give up the dream(that was three years ago). I really had hoped that this would be my month, I did give myself an ultimatum.

Yes, tonight, I feel like I'm cheering for a team that never wins. But, then I turned around and looked at my beautiful four year old daughter thanking God that I had at least one grand slam! She is one of those "hits" that will become history.


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Brown Spotting

Okay, here comes the brown spotting!  I hate this stuff playing with my head!  So, I really need to go for a walk!  If I start full flow, this will be a 24 day cycle!  I think I want to scream!  It's time to step away from the google searches and step outside and enjoy this cool day.  I need some exercise badly!  Vent!  Vent! Vent!  

Monday, May 11, 2009

Cramps

Boo!  Boo to Cramps!!!!  It's cycle day 24 and I began having light cramping this morning.  I resisted the urge to buy my favorite pee on a stick brand, instead bought the necessary items for a new cycle.  However, I cannot resist my old habits, so I stopped at the dollar store to pick up a few dollar test to satisfy my poas addiction.

My "hot body" contest is going very well!  I lost 1.5 pound this past week!  So, I feel like I'm on a roll now!  I must keep the trend moving downward.  It would be nice to be able to fit back into my summer clothes!  

Got to run,
Kelly

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

RE Update

We are going to do a few more test to see if there is anything that they can find.  Rich had to do a S/A--fun, fun!  Then, on my next cycle, we will do the post-coital test, along with a progesterone test.  In my heart, I really think that my problem is with implantation/blood clotting.  I read on one board that a girl with my background started Lovenex on cd 6-a part of me wonders if we did that...I wonder if it would help.  When I have done the Ovulation Predicator kits in the past, I have had a surge on CD 10, 11, or 12-in different cycles.  So, I do ovulate on different days.  

He did mention that with Clomid, I should have gotten pregnant on those cycles.  So, hopefully, Clomid is out for us!  I am feeling lots of pings, pulls, etc. (again) inside my belly this cycle.  I have done this in the past with no pregnancy--but, I've done it--with a pregnancy.  No way to predict the future with this one. 

I'm doing really well with my diet.  I just need to stay on task each day.  I think it's a great idea--and I hope to lose ten pounds in the next few weeks!!!!


Monday, May 4, 2009

6 Month RE

Today, I have an appointment with the RE.  It has been six months since our last meeting.  I am a little suprised that we are not pregnant by now (at least the first weeks of pregnancy).  Rich & I sat down together and had a long talk.  He was fine with not moving forward in this process.  I asked him...."If money was not an option, would you want another child."  He responded, Yes.  Whew!  I really want to try at least one more time....I wish I could just let go of the idea once and for all.  But, I still hope for another chance.  

Leah & Heath called last night.  It was a blessing to hear them "cheering" us on!  I needed that...I feel like I've been running this long marathon and it seems like the finish line will never be in sight!  I'm thankful for friends who have been there-and can understand the pain, the patience, and the perserverance.  

I don't want to force this to happen-and I am willing to let go.  But, I really believe that once I let go--I'm done.  It will be time to create a new life.  So, here we go....please God give us guidance and peace.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Ovulation

Okay-cycle day 10 is here-wow...that was fast!  How in the world is time going by so quickly?  It used to drag---is the process getting easier?  

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Leah's Ultrasound

Leah is 21 weeks pregnant now!!!  Her ultrasound is so beautiful.  It's nice to see the baby growing-it's really going to happen!  We've had a rough few years-now, there is good news at this point of the journey!  Leah's baby is going to be loved so much!  She will know that she was much wanted/needed in their life!  

Sunday, April 19, 2009

2010, are you serious?

Okay...AF arrived--two days late.  So, my chance for a 2009 baby is out!  I really am disappointed of this journey.   I want more kids so much-but, it is just not happening.  

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Adventure 101

Today, I spent the day with my family.  Well, sort of family...We had Easter dinner at my step-mom's ex-husband's home.  Yes, I wrote that correctly...It's a LONG story.   The three little "cousins" are four years old, then the older girls were six and eight.  It was a jammed packed day with easter egg hunts, playing outside, and a BIG dinner. Mackenzie calls the host "Grand-Dad"...because all of the rest of the cousins call him that!  She just goes with the flow.  

So, all the kids were exploring the creek in the back of Grand-Dad's house.  I told my step-sisters that I felt strange not being with Mackenzie.  They just looked at me like I was strange.  I just never let her play outside without me being right there with her.  Am I overprotective?  I think not....She's FOUR~!  

Well, my husband and I stepped outside for a moment to see if we could see the kids playing outside!  Suddenly, we heard a loud scream/cry.  I thought it was my step-sister's son...he is usually the one who cries.  We decided to walk and check out what was happening.  Across the neighbor's back yard, then through a wooded lot, we walked together.  Then, we heard Mackenzie crying, "I want my Momma!"  She was following another young friend to us.

Mackenzie was soaked from head to toe in muddy creek water!  I couldn't believe my eyes!  I asked her if she fell into the creek.  She said, "No, I wanted to see what it felt like to walk in the creek!"  I giggled!  "Are there other kids in the creek?"   She said, "No, just me and Julia."

I couldn't tell if she was crying because she was scared or if she was scared she would get into trouble.  Poor girl!  We had to take her up to her cousin's bath-strip her down, wash all the mud off her legs, then, slip her into "boy" clothes!  (which she did not like at all!)

A part of me was glad she had that experience-she had a little adventure!  How fun!  Then, another part of me was relieved it wasn't a serious mistake.  

So, we were cleaning up the kitchen later that evening...

Mackenzie comes running in with urgency in her eyes.  She said, "Mom, come on!"  I followed her outside.  "What do you need Mackenzie?"  She said, "I don't know, but just follow me!"  A part of me wanted to walk back inside the house...but, she was like a little dog trying to protect her family.  

She said, "Come on, Mom!"  I followed through the backyard of the neighbor's house...then, the wooded lot, across the bridge, where I heard screams and cries.  I looked across the bridge and I began laughing.  All the cousins were stuck in the neighbor's old hammock.  One was upside down with her legs up in the air, one was lying stomach flat scared to move, another was on her back not able to move without help, the last was "pretending" to be stuck-he jumped into a hole of the hammock.  

I said, "Are you guys pretending to be stuck?"  I wished at that moment to have a camera because it was the funniest thing to see four kids all jumbled up in a old hammock.  One girl had tears coming down her face, "No, it was not a trick."  I helped each child out of their odd position.  Thinking..How in the world did this happen?  I couldn't help but laugh, it reminded me of all the adventure books I read as a child.  This whole day seemed to be right out of a book!

Then I  said, "Hey!  I think it's time for some Easter Cake!"  It helped the six pack to move a little faster to the house.  I told them they better be glad that Mackenzie was so persistent, or I might have stayed in the kitchen.  Little Mackenzie didn't know how to express the urgency through her words...she just kept saying, "Come on, Momma...Follow Me."

It's wierd to see my child experience life in her own little way.  I remember having adventures with my cousins.  Some of the best memories of my life were on those family holidays.  I know this has nothing to do with infertility...but, it was such a fun memory, I thought I would write it down....


Saturday, April 11, 2009

Easter Egg

Has my wonderful husband found the "Easter Egg?"  I am way too early to know.  But, the holidays make me want this so much!  Mackenzie & I looked at little baby easter outfits.  She said, "Momma, if we have a baby, we can match Easter dresses!"  I would love to have her share these moments with a brother or sister.  

We've been looking online for research/clinical trials that we might can participate in for my MTHFR.  I am going to talk to my RE to see if I would qualify for one in Chicago.  I would be very interested in participating with my history.  

Happy Easter!  

Friday, April 3, 2009

Root Canal!!!

What?  A Root Canal???!?!  I had to go to the dentist today--I had a horrible toothache which resulted in a root canal this afternoon.  Unbelievable...so, here goes a cycle down the toilet!  With all the xrays, medications, etc....just call me "Lucky Kelly"---whoo-hoo!  

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Last cycle

This is my last cycle before my RE appointment!  I can't believe six months has arrived!  It really is crazy to realize that we have been trying to have a baby for three years!  My husband and I have been up and down about continuing our "trying to conceive" journey.  I called him at work--and said...are we going to try this month?  He replied, "Do you want too?"  We seem to be going around in circles, the emotional side of this is very difficult.  

My best friend had her positive test on Christmas Eve:)  I think it would be a great story, if Rich & I could have our due date on Christmas Day!  la-la-la-la....inspiration to others not to give up!  

There is a girl in my Babyfit group who has been diagnosed with MTHFR-she has one son--and multiple miscarriages, just like me.  She just got a faint positive yesterday--and she is hoping it's not a chemical!  She is seeing her RE today.  Her history is so much like mine...almost identical.  I hope that she will keep this baby.

Leah is 18 weeks now---having a GIRL!!!  I'm so excited!  I can't wait to see her Belly!!!

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Due Date: Christmas Day

Well, this is a first!  I pulled up due dates for this cycle (if I were to become pregnant).  It says, "December 25th."    It's fun to see that date and to dream about a Christmas Baby.  Then, the negative side in me kicks in--saying we won't have a baby until 2010!!!!  aughghghg  Time is marching on.  Agony.  I'm doing well emotionally this new cycle.  Maybe, because Spring is here!  I love this weather!!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

K

I took a pregancy test...I was awaiting the result when "K" came up in the test box.  I was so excited.  I told my mom that I was pregnant!  She said...but, it says K....I said, "Yes, it's means OKAY...you are pregnant!  I called my RE and rushed to the doctor to get bloodwork and to start my Lovenex shots.  

Then, I woke up.  It was one of those crazy dreams that was so real!!!  I did take a early test, but it negative:(  Aw, man!  

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Disney Princess Race

I'm sorry for the organization of this blog!  I don't know what is happening while I'm typing....wierd!  So, here is Rich & Mackenzie posing with Mike & Sully at the Disney Hollywood Studios!  I asked my daughter if she wanted to go through the door!  She promptly replied, "No!"  Monsters, Inc. was one of her favorite movies.  It was fun to meet the characters!  Another thing, look closely at my husband & Sully, do you think they have similarities?  They could be related~!  Sully doesn't look so BIG next to Rich!  Rich is quite the comedian, too.  He told the boys a few jokes.  You should have seen them laugh!  

Next, we have Mackenzie and I entering Hollywood Studios.  We didn't tell her that we were going--it was a great surprise!  I love BIG surprises!!!  It is so easy to pull off when they are that young!  That's my girl!  We are both wearing our medals from the race!  Aren't you proud of us?

The picture of me is right before the Half Marathon!  It was the weekend of the time change-and we switched from Central to Eastern time zone.  I had to be in the parking lot by 5am-so, it was an early early morning for me!  I've made a commitment to run a half marathon once a year!  I've kept my promise for the last three years!  I always hope that I get pregnant right after my race, so I can train after my pregnancy, then keep my tradition going!  I should have ovulated before the race....so, I'm not sure if we caught the egg this cycle!  I am on cycle day 18 now...so, we will see if we got lucky this month!  

Leah is 15 weeks now!!!  Everything is progressing smoothly!  I'm so happy for her!  I wish she lived here in Birmingham so we can experience her pregnancy together.  I can't wait to see her baby!!!  He will be so loved!  She thinks it will be a girl...I hope it is-so, Mackenzie will play with her!  But, I think it might be a boy!  I have so many friends that are having boys right now...I think it's in the water!   

Mackenzie patted my tummy today (I've gained some weight)--she thinks there is a baby in my tummy!  She said, "Mommy, your tummy is growing!  You have a baby in your tummy!"  hehe  It's time to get back on my diet!  Sorry, for the long update...but, I'm just enjoying life & hoping for a nice suprise at the end of the month!!!!!   



Here is Mackenzie at the Finish Line of the Disney Princess 200 meter dash!  She sprinted to the finish line in her first official race.  Doesn't she look cute?  It was a beautiful day! Do you see the Epcot Ball?  Mackenzie, also, is sporting a unicorn on her face, along with her pink sparkly headband and new running outfit!  At the end of the race, she said, "I won!!!!  Where's my medal?"  Little Miss Competitive....hmmm...I wonder where she gets that from?


Sunday, March 1, 2009

Snow, Baby!


So, how many people will conceive today in the Southern Region?  We are getting a snowdown in the South!  Most people will stay home when we get snowy weather...it doesn't happen often.  Like my husband said, "It's March 1, 2009".....it becomes historical here!  Mackenzie was up and ready to go outside!  We walked around the block, then began building a snowman!  Mac didn't last long-Rich & I were playing in the snow much longer than our 4 year old!  The snow is done-and the sun is peaking out!  


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Cleaning Like a Mad Woman!

Well, another cycle has come & gone.  It wasn't as emotional as last cycle.  I think I'm doing a good job at keeping busy with life, rather than obsessing about the hope of pregnancy.  We found an adorable house that we love--but, it hinges on the selling of our current home.  I've been cleaning like a mad woman.  My house, almost looks, brand new!  I would love to buy some bedding for my daughter's bed & our bed...but, I may have to wait until May!  Darn!  I put my couch, chair, ottoman, and recliner on Craigslist hoping for a quick sale.  Rich & I found a leather sofa we would like to buy--and it's time to freshen up our rooms.  I have Spring Fever so much this year.  I'm even tempted put our baby furniture and accessories up for sale!  I am loving my clutter free life!  Simple is better!  

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Chocolate Cravings!

Well, I'm have strong cravings for chocolate!  (A sign that AF should be on her way! Boo!)  I have chocolate chip cookies in the oven calling my name!  I need to get out and do a run this morning, too!  It's going to be a crazy day!  

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Valentine's Weekend!

Hugs & Kisses!!!!  I love Valentine's day.  I'm one who wants it to be so sweet!  So, I kicked off the weekend making heart shaped sugar cookies with cream cheese icing and red sprinkles!  (My mom's tradition)  Then, we all dressed up in RED-Mackenzie, Rich, and I---looking pretty spiffy!!  We went to a fundraiser dance to dance our little hearts out! If you could only see Rich & Mackenzie doing "The Hustle" side by side-precious.  I tried a new Latino dance-by the last rotation, I finally had it down.  (It takes me awhile!)  Then, we picked up my sister (Aunt Carrie) and headed to one of my favorite places-SUMO!  Yummy!  

Today, I ran...and ran....and ran....training for the Disney Princess Half Marathon.  I think I'm ready-and I have three more Sundays until the BIG day.  I can't wait-we will have a blast. 

So, fertility wise--I am on cycle day 19 with only 7 more days of Fertility Friend.  I don't want to let my subscription run out, but I've decided to close it down.  I still have my favorite BabyFit website, it's free!  So, if I have questions, I can ask those girls.  I've made some pretty cool friendships online!  My plan is to continue running, eat healthy, take my vitamins, and if pregnancy is supposed to happen...then, let it be.  I think I've come to peace about where I am at with this crazy journey.  It feels good to not be absorbed into ovulation and the two week wait.  I have found that I really love my life!   

So, hope you all have a great Valentine's day/weekend!   

Monday, February 9, 2009

Fun Weekend!

It was a great weekend!  We had our first small group at our home Friday night.  We had about 11 adults, 3 teenagers, and three small children.  Wow..it was a party!  Rich & I had a blast!  I was so excited!  On Saturday, I registered Mackenzie for Spring Soccer.  Then, she played with her cousins for a few hours.  On Sunday, we attended church, then looked at another neighborhood in Hoover, and then I had to run 8 miles for training.  I only could do 7 miles before my knee started to slow me down.  So, I had to walk back.  I hope my knee will not hold me back from completing my half marathon!  I should be ovulating any day now...but, it's nice not to be obsessing about it.
I needed the change of scenery.  I hope to become pregnant in the next few months...but, I'm okay with it not happening...I mean, what can I do?   I usually get pregnant every six month--and this is my sixth month....since my miscarriage.   Rich & I finished our weekend watching Fireproof.  It was a good story.  I thought Rich may fall asleep-but, he stayed up (Mackenzie too!).  By the end of the movie, we were all snuggled together in our bed in a big family hug.  Love Bugs.  

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Day One

It's getting more difficult the further we get down this road.  Time is passing.  I am feeling a new direction with my journey toward more children.  I had the "fight" in me a few months ago.  But, I feel it wavering each cycle that reminds me it's not happening this time.  I'm starting to imagine my life with one child.  I guess this was how it is meant to be.  I really don't know how many more months we can continue this hope.  

Leah has her ultrasound right now....I'm anticipating good news.  She deserves a baby to love and nurture!   I hope she calls me with a happy heart!  

My half marathon is a little over a month away.  I signed Mackenzie up for her first official race.  She will be participating in the 200 yard dash at Epcot.  It should be pretty fun!  I want to take great pictures that weekend!  It will be nice for us to go on a little vacation to Disney World.  

My updates have been quiet this month-we are wanting to put our home up for sale in February. I've been busy cleaning, giving away baby stuff, and organizing.  I hope it will not
take us long to sell our house.  We are ready for a change.


Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Leah's Ultrasound

Today is Leah's ultrasound day....I wonder if this is what my family feels like when I have my doctor's appointments.  The two week wait is difficult-but, nothing in comparison to the two, three, four week wait for ultrasound updates!  When you go through recurrent miscarriage, you expect the worst and hope for the best.  It's odd.  But, that's how life is.  

I remember the innocence of Mackenzie's ultrasound-I remember having an empty gestational sac...and I freaked out--but, once the doctors told me it was normal, I believed them!  Now, when I have a empty gestational sac--I think, oh, no...not again.

My daughter just ran into my room..."Mommy, if we have a baby, we can name her America!" America?  Baby talk is constant in our home.  Oh, dear!

Leah, I hate that we live 13 hours away from each other!  I hate that we share this news over the phone!  I wish my support could be visible.  I am thinking and praying for you today!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

Here's Your Sign!

Well, I have had the signs start to flag me down that I am in prime ovulation.  I'm actually relaxed this cycle with less anticipation for the big event.  I think my husband is thrilled!  Thank you, body, for being so sweet into informing me of the egg release rather than getting a message from the OPK or BBT, it's much more personal.  :)  

I'm not obsessed this month with trying to maximize perfect timing.  However, we have discussed "Chloe" as an optional girl name for this month.  We figured "Zet" for a boy.  

So, I have been so frustrated with Leah's pregnancy drama.  Poor girl, it's just not easy.  Why can I relate?  I pray that her doctors are proactive in dealing with her blood clots....It's been a long week--thankfully, the baby is still there.  Please, God, let there be a heartbeat this week!  I hate the wait....

It's cold here in Bama--I ran 5 miles today!  Perfect running weather!  I'll weigh in tomorrow to see if I have lost any pounds this week.  I haven't had a perfect week--but, it's been so much better!  Day by Day...


Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Playing in the Rain

Well, today, I ran 2 miles in the rain.  Actually,  it was inspiring and delightful.  I think sometimes we get so caught up in routines and forget how to play in the rain.  My neighbors probably thought I was crazy!  But, it felt empowering to complete my training goal despite the weather. I felt like Rocky Balboa:)  Getting ready for the big event.

I had to check Fertility Friend to actually see that I'm cycle day 9!  I have no signs of early ovulation this time around.  NO SIGNS.  I'm going to break from OPK & temping for the next two months.  But, we will keep trying to conceive.  One day we will catch that egg!  

I feel content today.  Happy.  Blessed.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Back Home!

I had the BEST time in Texas this past week!  I can't wait to go back!!!!
Leah, Mackenzie, and I were busy shopping, sight seeing, eating, and walking the dogs!

I'm back on my running schedule!  I completed my 5 mile goal on Sunday!  I thought I was going to die!  I can't wait until I run five miles easily:)  I really need to write down what I eat for the next 8 weeks.  I've picked up some unhealthy habits the past six months.  It's time to get serious about my yo-yo weight.

I took Mackenzie swimming for one hour today!  

Okay--well, no OPK's for me this month.  It will be Mystery Month!  hehe  
I'm waiting to hear about Leah's bloodwork for today--she will have an ultrasound on
Wednesday!  My Babyfit friend's are sending her well-wishes!