Cervical Mucous Conversation

Don't you just love those conversations that lead to discussion about cervical mucous?  Fertile CM, as we call it, is a hot topic on our list this week.  Leah called to "brag" about how much she was experiencing this week-Go Leah!   (She is going to have an ultrasound tomorrow to see where she stands for IUI this weekend!!! ) Always a good sign when you see the ewcm!!!  I'm so crazy-I asked her for the upteenth time...so, what does it look like again?  Is it Clear???  Okay, yes, I've had that too.  But, for me, it's been arriving quite early in my cycle.  Beginning on cd 6, I first see the signs of "fertility."   This past cycle, ended on cd 9....so, does this mean I am ovulating EARLY?  Ovulation pains are all over the place...so, hopefully, this will be one of the questions I can ask my RE next week.   Of course, since I don't really have much trouble getting pregnant (usually about every 6 months)-it's the keeping the babies that's tough.   It's very hard to find women who've experienced consecutive blighted ovums (mine have now totaled three).  So, if you are out there...please shout out to me your experience.  Could it really be just bad luck???

 

Break After Chemical

 "Taking a break" is difficult.  I had clear signs of ovulation this month.  I had to just let it pass by.  My competitive nature wanted to "do the deed."  But, I just can't keep trying until we get some answers!   I believe that my RE will find a reason for our recurrent losses.  I hope that it is a simple fix.  As time passes, I feel that having another baby is getting  out of our time line.  Everybody says we are "still young."  But, I sometimes feel freedom that my daughter is reaching a more independent stage.  She will be four years old next month!   This means we are looking at our children to potentially be 5-6 years apart!  Wow....that is unbelievable.  I almost think if we are able to get pregnant-I would like to do a "back to back" pregnancy-so, we can have two that are close in age.  

Mackenzie is a wonderful child.  She had her first soccer game today!  The "Under Four" team was hilarious.  They were so cute running in a million directions.  Mackenzie was well-prepared thanks to her Daddy spending countless hours in the backyard teaching her how to "score."  She scored at least six goals today!  I was so proud of her!   

Last night, we attended a high school football game.  I saw at least five young pregnant teenage girls.  I just looked at them.  I jokingly told Rich that I wanted to ask them-if they wanted their baby, because I knew a few "moms" who would take the children in a heartbeat!   I couldn't believe I wanted to say that-and I can't believe that I was thinking those thoughts!   

Eleven more days before my first RE appointment.  I need to finish up the last pages and contact my former OB's to get my records sent to the "Alabama Fertility Specialists."

Gotta go call Leah!   

Texas Calling Alabama

Leah called me today to tell me about her new blog, http://crazyinfertile.blogspot.com/.  Wow, we've just started this "blogging thing" and we might have enough for a book!   I'm going to start where we are now, the present.

Leah is currently taking meds for the next few days to prepare for another shot at a IUI.

She told me last night that she had to remind herself to "shoot up" at 6 p.m.  and to order more medication!  It feels like it's happening so fast.  Here we go again on this crazy emotional roller coaster.  

I am currently on hold until my next doctor's appointment.  I've just experienced my first chemical pregnancy.  I had a BFP+ on Saturday, September 13, 2008.

Then, I began spotting Monday night.  Tuesday was medium flow.  Then, spotting the next two days.  I actually expected more!  I'm so experienced at this stuff!   (Miscarriage)   I took another pregnancy test on Thursday, September 18th, it was a definite faded line.  My mind kept hoping maybe I was experiencing implantation bleeding, and that in a few days I would see a bold dark line on my pregnancy test.  

Leah text messaged me on September 22nd:  If u are still up call me.   10:32 pm

So, I did.   She was reading a blog and felt like I needed to take another pregnancy test....just in case.   I was planning on doing another just to get this nagging thoughts out of my mind.  So, I went to the dollar store & picked up ONE test.   TEST:  BFN on September 24th.  At least now, I can have peace of mind, right?

Dare to Hope "The Email"

I can't believe that I'm actually confessing to this!  But, I thought you might need a good laugh....or even a good cry.  I love early BFP's...I can't resist when I know we had perfect timing to use a test.  Normally, I try to do the dollar store test.  This time, I upped the bar with FRER!

Each day, after I get my negative, I look at it a million times through out the day...in the sunshine, over lamps, something to give me a little hope.  Well, this week, I've been taking apart each test-setting it aside, then comparing all as pairs, continuing the process of windows, lamps, etc.

Tonight, I laid all my negative test on a white sheet of paper-held it over my lampshade and saw amazing things.  First, I noticed on the "cushion" side of the test (there were big fat pink lines on each one of my test...) hmmmm...intriguing...never noticed it before.

Then, in the normal testing area, I noticed nothing on the first test, indented white line on second test, then faint line on third test...my heart skips and flutters, what if???  what if???

Now, I KNOW these are all negative...and I KNOW that when I open the test...it is invalid...I'm just experimenting, grasping hope that maybe, just maybe...

I'm expecting my temps to drop tomorrow...I'll report in the AM!  I only have one test left--it's a Clear Blue Digital...I have never used before...it came free with my ovulation kit.

I will probably end up using it tomorrow.

Anyway, count yourself luck if you haven't gone to this extreme!  It's fun, but indeed crazy!  I remember the days when I never peed on a stick....I remember the days when I never knew my cycle day....and was never prepared for AF...those days are long gone!

As I tell my stories, you may have wide eyes & "Thank God" you haven't gotten to this point....or may laugh and say "Oh, I can totally relate..."

Sometimes, I feel frustrated that I let HOPE drive me to absolute belief that THIS IS THE MONTH...but, you know-I'm glad that I have this strong desire...and each month, when a new cycle begins, somehow, I don't know how---a new hope arises within me.

DESIRE-to have a family--a willingness not to give up...

There is nothing wrong with desperately hoping and wanting a child.  We may fail to "become pregnant" instantly...but, never fail to HOPE...One day, girls...one day...it will happen!

I feel really compelled to share with you, girls.  I've lost three babies...it's been two years of trying to conceive...I've always seen myself with a big family--but, I'm thirty five...and life looks a lot different than I imagined it to be.

I know some of you are down, saddened, and grieving at this time.  Please don't give up hope.  Keep striving!  Fight!  Listen to your heart.  If it tells you to take a break...listen.  If it says...keep trying, don't give up....follow your heart.

Life isn't fair.   Sometimes, you feel alone in your journey...but, HOPE wants to accompany you.

I'll never forget what Betsey said the month she got pregnant "She dared to Wear her white shorts!"  That is so classic!!!   She had ups & downs...but, she never let hope die!  (Betsey tried, also, for two years!)  She is twenty weeks pregnant today!!!

I miss her Spirit.

Dare to Hope.

Dare to Hope "The Email"

Blog, Girl!

This blog is dedicated to friendship.  My best friend, Leah,  told me to "Blog, girl!"  after I sent her an email.  So, I am taking her advice venturing out into this unknown world to share my story.  

In two weeks, I have my first RE appointment.  I am being referred to this specialist due to recurrent pregnancy loss.  I have experienced four losses in the past two years.  

Two different stories.  Two different personalities.   Two Different Doctors.  Two Different States.  Welcome to "Talking Tummies."