Me, Four!

Yes, it's hard to believe--but, I have four losses in the past two years.  I would have never imagined myself to go through this horrid rollercoaster.  But, this is my life.  I'm trying to DEAL WITH IT.  I'm probably the most positive person in the world.  Happy-go-lucky...but, this-this is making me a "disappointed, angry bitch."   I can't believe I just wrote that (I don't normally use the B* word...)   Sorry, Mom.   

Usually when I've gone through struggle, I've always felt that God was with me.  No matter how difficult the situation was, I was going to make it and even become a stronger for it!  Now, I don't want to be a stronger person, if it means facing another loss.  Telling my four year old that "the baby stopped growing.  We will have to wait just a little longer to have a little brother or sister" is not a fun conversation.  I told myself after the third loss I would try to keep her oblivious to what was happening with our pregnancies.  But, sure enough, she said, "Mom, two lines means you have a baby in your tummy!" with a delightful squeal.  This time, I just said, "Mackenzie, you know that Mommy has a hard time with babies growing in her tummy.  We will have to wait to see what the doctor says."   

The OB is now sending me to a Reproductive Specialist for habitual pregnancy loss.  I've had three miscarriages within a year.  Am I destined for recurrent loss?  Will Mackenzie be my only child?  I am ready to be my "happy, adorbable self" again.  HA!   Poor husband, he may think she's gone forever!  I've become a person who thinks negatively....I don't like it, see?

There is no comfort for the soul, unless that comfort comes from those who have "been there. done that."  Really, it's hard for anybody to say or make you feel like a real person, until you've experienced repeated loss.  Those are the girls who understand how you feel-no one else can even begin to describe the hurt, loneliness, and pain you go through.  

I'll never forget when Leah called me with her news.  I was in Michigan with my family.  I was in the Christian book store.  I felt like my heart was pulled out of my body.  I was crying in the store.  I was so angry.  So, sad.  So, surprised that this could happen once again.  My heart was screaming on the inside. " God, you can't do this, again!"   Do you not see us in pain?  Can you just take these babies away from us?  How many times do we need to go through this before you will give us our hopes of a family?  

I stepped away from everything.  I think that's all you can do when you've been beaten down, down, down.  I'm stubborn.  I don't want to give up/quit.  I just want answers.  Will I ever be medically able to have another child?  Simple, but direct.   

I will walk away from this constant disappointment each month and never look back, if I heard "No, you are done."   "You can't have any more children."  

When someone asked me, "How many children do you want?"  I always replied "Four."  This was my magic number.  Four children just seemed like a perfect family to me.  Well, I still would love four children!   

Me, Four?  

I wish to God that it didn't mean Four Miscarriages.

(sigh)