I'm such a different person than I was two years ago. I guess reality if setting in...my countdown to FF is nearing an end...I joined so I could have proof of ovulation...hoping my doctors would notice our desperate attempts to conceive.
I'm now on my third doctor with a history of one appointment...he managed to give hope by actually ordering the recurrent loss panel the same day...no waiting. I told him that I was nearing the end of my journey...I just can't keep going through these miscarriages-my spirit can handle it, but my heart is in pieces.
Some of you may feel like you are fighting a losing battle...and yes, you may be...but, you may be just down for a count.
In the boxing ring, I can hear the referree-counting as he slams his hand against the floor...1!!! 2!!!! 3!!!! 4!!!!! It's loud, piercing, and I am weak. There are moments when I feel the pain of our losses-and I'm not sure if I have the strength to get up and give it another shot. My count is continuing upwards...not sure how much longer I will last before I hear 10!
I can see perhaps going through a miscarriage once...it's normal, right? But, to be pounded down to the floor multiple times...God, I don't know how much more "beating" I can take!?! All I want is another child (well, maybe two)...is that too much to ask? Each loss turns my heart more bitter, more hardened to hope.
I speak of hope, often..but, a part of me wonders what would my journey be like without it? Would I continue down this road without it? Would I allow my body, my family to experience another loss? Where do I draw the line?
I remember saying after my third loss-that I would not try again until we had testing...now, we are at our fourth loss, and I'm finally going to get some answers...or HOPE to get answers next week.
After a two month break, I am going to be curious to see what occurs in the next few days. Because I am ready to stop, I've been trying to picture our life with our only daughter...and trying to recreate our dreams/plans. It's been good for me. I think for the first time, I feel freedom.
I feel like I am laying on the floor of the boxing ring...thinking...do I get up? Can I get up? Will I get up?
I'll let you know what I do next week.
Kelly
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