Fighting a Losing Battle?

I am...or at least it feels this way.  I am waiting for the results of my recurrent loss panel.  I've had 4 consecutive miscarriages in the two & half years of trying for baby #2.  I've been on a two month break due to doctor's orders...so, we might can find a cause for our losses.  Next monday, I should know more about our results.

I'm such a different person than I was two years ago.  I guess reality if setting in...my countdown to FF is nearing an end...I joined so I could have proof of ovulation...hoping my doctors would notice our desperate attempts to conceive.

I'm now on my third doctor with a history of one appointment...he managed to give hope by actually ordering the recurrent loss panel the same day...no waiting.  I told him that I was nearing the end of my journey...I just can't keep going through these miscarriages-my spirit can handle it, but my heart is in pieces.

Some of you may feel like you are fighting a losing battle...and yes, you may be...but, you may be just down for a count.  

In the boxing ring, I can hear the referree-counting as he slams his hand against the floor...1!!!  2!!!!  3!!!!  4!!!!!  It's loud, piercing, and I am weak.  There are moments when I feel the pain of our losses-and I'm not sure if I have the strength to get up and give it another shot.  My count is continuing upwards...not sure how much longer I will last before I hear 10!

I can see perhaps going through a miscarriage once...it's normal, right?  But, to be pounded down to the floor multiple times...God, I don't know how much more "beating" I can take!?!  All I want is another child (well, maybe two)...is that too much to ask?  Each loss turns my heart more bitter, more hardened to hope.

I speak of hope, often..but, a part of me wonders what would my journey be like without it?  Would I continue  down this road without it?  Would I allow my body, my family to experience another loss?  Where do I draw the line?

I remember saying after my third loss-that I would not try again until we had testing...now, we are at our fourth loss, and I'm finally going to get some answers...or HOPE to get answers next week.

After a two month break, I am going to be curious to see what occurs in the next few days.  Because I am ready to stop, I've been trying to picture our life with our only daughter...and trying to recreate our dreams/plans.  It's been good for me.  I think for the first time, I feel freedom.

I feel like I am laying on the floor of the boxing ring...thinking...do I get up?  Can I get up?  Will I get up?

I'll let you know what I do next week.

Kelly