Fighting a Losing Battle?

I am...or at least it feels this way.  I am waiting for the results of my recurrent loss panel.  I've had 4 consecutive miscarriages in the two & half years of trying for baby #2.  I've been on a two month break due to doctor's orders...so, we might can find a cause for our losses.  Next monday, I should know more about our results.

I'm such a different person than I was two years ago.  I guess reality if setting in...my countdown to FF is nearing an end...I joined so I could have proof of ovulation...hoping my doctors would notice our desperate attempts to conceive.

I'm now on my third doctor with a history of one appointment...he managed to give hope by actually ordering the recurrent loss panel the same day...no waiting.  I told him that I was nearing the end of my journey...I just can't keep going through these miscarriages-my spirit can handle it, but my heart is in pieces.

Some of you may feel like you are fighting a losing battle...and yes, you may be...but, you may be just down for a count.  

In the boxing ring, I can hear the referree-counting as he slams his hand against the floor...1!!!  2!!!!  3!!!!  4!!!!!  It's loud, piercing, and I am weak.  There are moments when I feel the pain of our losses-and I'm not sure if I have the strength to get up and give it another shot.  My count is continuing upwards...not sure how much longer I will last before I hear 10!

I can see perhaps going through a miscarriage once...it's normal, right?  But, to be pounded down to the floor multiple times...God, I don't know how much more "beating" I can take!?!  All I want is another child (well, maybe two)...is that too much to ask?  Each loss turns my heart more bitter, more hardened to hope.

I speak of hope, often..but, a part of me wonders what would my journey be like without it?  Would I continue  down this road without it?  Would I allow my body, my family to experience another loss?  Where do I draw the line?

I remember saying after my third loss-that I would not try again until we had testing...now, we are at our fourth loss, and I'm finally going to get some answers...or HOPE to get answers next week.

After a two month break, I am going to be curious to see what occurs in the next few days.  Because I am ready to stop, I've been trying to picture our life with our only daughter...and trying to recreate our dreams/plans.  It's been good for me.  I think for the first time, I feel freedom.

I feel like I am laying on the floor of the boxing ring...thinking...do I get up?  Can I get up?  Will I get up?

I'll let you know what I do next week.

Kelly

One Week Wait

Okay...I'm finally in the one week wait.  It's almost been a month since our bloodwork for recurrent loss.  I wish I was seeing the RE today.  But, I'll have to wait 7 more days!  I should be good at this waiting thing...been doing it for over two and a half years now!  I am back on the Weight Watchers diet.  I let the past six months take over my emotional eating and lack of consistent exercise.  I cannot let myself  walk right into the obese category again!  It's crazy how gaining five pounds can turn into 25 pounds in just a few months.  But, I stopped being careful-and stopped my daily running routine hoping to have some baby magic.

Boo!  Hoo!

It's okay--WW is pretty easy for me.  I just need to be committed and consistent.  So, now I have some short term goals...and I am hoping to get back into my skinny jeans by Valentine's Day '09!  I think it's probably safe to say-I probably won't be pregnant...it usually takes us about 6 months to get our timing right!  So...let's see that puts us at April to getting  pregnant...

I could predict the outcome of that pregnancy-but, I'm trying to be a little positive!  ha!

I'm about to give up hope.  I've enjoyed the two month break of TTC.  I feel like I would be a better person if I didn't have to deal with another miscarriage.  I'll just wait to see what the RE says...I'm ready to move on.  

As much as we want another baby-I just don't know how much more I can take.  

FSH & Estradiol

Okay, so I had to call to confirm my HSG for tomorrow.  So, I did ask for my "values" for the FSH & Estradiol test.  (Thanks, Leah!)   So.....drum roll, please.    

FSH-9.16        Estradiol-74.3

So, now to read & obsess over these numbers will be on my to "do list" tonight.  One of my piano students' mom told me today, she just had a miscarriage (10 weeks).  It was her first loss.  She has three beautiful boys!   Everybody has a different story of their loss.  

I really hope to have a happy ending.

My friend, Mandy, sent me a story about a woman who had 8 miscarriages.  They tried to have a baby for 11 years.  Then, boom-boom...she had two healthy girls~!   Her doctor said they would not have healthy children due to her chromosomes.  

Wow. I really don't know how to respond to these stories.  I think deep within--I don't want to give up our hope of a big family.  But, I really don't know if I am strong enough to keep trying month after month.  

I've enjoyed this break. 

Signing off,

Kelly

National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

Today is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day.  Tonight, at 7pm, light a candle to remember those who have been lost through pregnancy or infant loss.  

Today we remember-

my best friend, Leah- her losses 11/05, 6/07, & 7/08

my losses-9/06, 10/07, 3/08, & 9/08

My babyfit online friends:

1sttimemom-her twins & singleton which were lost at 21 & 22 weeks

babyscoopmom-her losses 4/05, 8/05, & 5/08

ebigalee-her losses in 12/07, 5/07, and 12/06

Babyweiss-her losses 8/06 and 2/07

ousoonerchick-her loss 1/08

woman25-her losses 5/03, 6/06, & 5/07

May they never be forgotten.

God Bless.

Round #1 "Normal"

So, I got a call today from my nurse.  The FSH & Estradiol is normal.  I called Rich, Leah, Mom, & Carrie to tell them the news.  Whew!  I was a little concerned about this test.  I'm glad to see that I am "normal" in this area.  I haven't got approval from Dr. Leah yet...hehe   She wanted to know my exact numbers. 

.... So, I didn't ask.  Does that describe my personality or what?  Completely trusting in their judgement, I say okay...and wait for more information (which I didn't get!) 

So, I'll just ask for the exact information when I go to the RE on Nov. 3.  I am curious.

I have my HSG in just a few days.

Signing off.

Short Cycle!! (24 days!)

Okay, this is wierd.  I've just started my period!  My temps dropped to 97.98-and I now am officially cd 1.  I had some light spotting last night before I went to bed.  I guess I'll be calling in to schedule bloodwork & HSG.  Boy, that was fast!   I guess my body is screaming, "Help me!  Help me!"  

Are we ready for this?  Deep Breath.  Here we go.

RE Appointment #1

Hello, Dr. Michael Steinkampf!  We met our Fertility Specialist yesterday, October 8, 2008.

We were LATE due to raining morning and extreme traffic problems.  We arrived 17 minutes late.

Was I ever cranky about that!?!?!?  But, oh, well, we even left our house early-so, it wasn't something we could control.

We spent time talking to the doctor about our miscarriages.  He ordered blood work, HSG, and we will meet again on November 3 to find out what is happening.  We are to continue our TTC Break until we get the results.

I'm really excited that we are at this point of "investigating."  I'm ready to plan the rest of my life.  Our family has been in limbo, so to speak.  

I was extremely tired last night, I fell asleep on the couch.  Then, I woke up to find it was only 9pm.  I drug myself to my bed and slept through the night.  A thought passes by---Am I pregnant?  HA!   Why do I do this to myself...even when we are "Breaking?"   I am still hoping for a miracle.

Me, Four!

Yes, it's hard to believe--but, I have four losses in the past two years.  I would have never imagined myself to go through this horrid rollercoaster.  But, this is my life.  I'm trying to DEAL WITH IT.  I'm probably the most positive person in the world.  Happy-go-lucky...but, this-this is making me a "disappointed, angry bitch."   I can't believe I just wrote that (I don't normally use the B* word...)   Sorry, Mom.   

Usually when I've gone through struggle, I've always felt that God was with me.  No matter how difficult the situation was, I was going to make it and even become a stronger for it!  Now, I don't want to be a stronger person, if it means facing another loss.  Telling my four year old that "the baby stopped growing.  We will have to wait just a little longer to have a little brother or sister" is not a fun conversation.  I told myself after the third loss I would try to keep her oblivious to what was happening with our pregnancies.  But, sure enough, she said, "Mom, two lines means you have a baby in your tummy!" with a delightful squeal.  This time, I just said, "Mackenzie, you know that Mommy has a hard time with babies growing in her tummy.  We will have to wait to see what the doctor says."   

The OB is now sending me to a Reproductive Specialist for habitual pregnancy loss.  I've had three miscarriages within a year.  Am I destined for recurrent loss?  Will Mackenzie be my only child?  I am ready to be my "happy, adorbable self" again.  HA!   Poor husband, he may think she's gone forever!  I've become a person who thinks negatively....I don't like it, see?

There is no comfort for the soul, unless that comfort comes from those who have "been there. done that."  Really, it's hard for anybody to say or make you feel like a real person, until you've experienced repeated loss.  Those are the girls who understand how you feel-no one else can even begin to describe the hurt, loneliness, and pain you go through.  

I'll never forget when Leah called me with her news.  I was in Michigan with my family.  I was in the Christian book store.  I felt like my heart was pulled out of my body.  I was crying in the store.  I was so angry.  So, sad.  So, surprised that this could happen once again.  My heart was screaming on the inside. " God, you can't do this, again!"   Do you not see us in pain?  Can you just take these babies away from us?  How many times do we need to go through this before you will give us our hopes of a family?  

I stepped away from everything.  I think that's all you can do when you've been beaten down, down, down.  I'm stubborn.  I don't want to give up/quit.  I just want answers.  Will I ever be medically able to have another child?  Simple, but direct.   

I will walk away from this constant disappointment each month and never look back, if I heard "No, you are done."   "You can't have any more children."  

When someone asked me, "How many children do you want?"  I always replied "Four."  This was my magic number.  Four children just seemed like a perfect family to me.  Well, I still would love four children!   

Me, Four?  

I wish to God that it didn't mean Four Miscarriages.

(sigh)