Place of Acceptance

Baby items are being sold quickly! I'm tempted to have a yard sale Saturday to empty my attic & garage! It's been good to "pass it on." I've been busy looking for a new job since Mackenzie has started preschool. Each day is moving along quickly. "Not trying" to have a baby is quite different. I don't know my cycle day-I'm not looking at what my due date could be if we are "lucky." I'm not concerned with our timing. Four years of trying to conceive---it's hard work! I know that at least we tried with devout effort!

My close friend, Leah, is about to have her baby--I wish I could fly to Texas & enjoy the excitement! This is her Christmas Eve surprise baby...she is about to arrive! Leah's story
can give hope to those who deal with infertility. Until you experience infertility, you cannot imagine the pain, longing, and frusteration that someone goes through. It's a tough life. But, those infertiles who are lucky enough to conceive will treasure their baby with a great appreciation.

Another friend of mine, just found out that she is pregnant...I screamed with delight. I'm truly happy for their family. Yet, I walked away in tears knowing that this is a suprise baby---not planned....a jealousy crept into my heart. It's strange how someone who wants a child more than anything doesn't guarantee that their dream of conceiving will come to life.

I think I'm handling the transition quite well. However, I do cry when I hear a song...or when I am having a rough day. I question God. But, I have come to a place of acceptance.

Baby Sale

Well, the process is beginning to take place. I have listed baby items for sale! I am beginning to receive calls about items-and I will price things for a garage sale, as well. It really is sad, but it is the way it is meant to be. I have some precious memories-and emotional attachments to these things. As I pull them out of the attic, I have flashes of memories, that come flooding back to me.
The baby monitor, for instance...I remember watching her sleep or the times she would cry standing up in her bed...it was so sad. Rich and I had a hard time just letting her cry--it never lasted long. I would quickly pick her up and rock her to sleep.

Mackenzie turned on her mobile music--the lullaby...she remembered it! Her eyes lit up so excited to hear the old comforting sound. The pack and play-that was not "girlie" so we could use it again if we had a boy. We were so practical in purchasing bedding, toys, and stuff which could be used for girls and boys. These practical purchases---only to be used by one child. sigh.

One of my favorite purchases was the musical potty!! I made up a potty dance--and we would sing and dance everytime she would accomplish a BIG JOB. I was so proud that she was potty trained at 18 months...she was/is such a smart little girl!

So, it's time for us to have a Baby Sale.

CD 33-What?!?!?!

I am now on cycle 33, I'm awaiting AF to arrive...my average cycle in the past two years have been 27 cycle days. I am ready and prepared for AF...just didn't think it would take this long! To those who have long cycle days, I have great compassion for you. What patience! I took a pregnancy test on Friday (-)...should I even bother to try again?

Cheering for a Team that Never Wins

Okay, so I feel like a cheerleader who is cheering for a hopeless team.

My husband can probably relate-he is a Chicago Cubs fan. He has been since he was old enough to wear a team hat-and have his own baseball glove. Since we've been together, I experienced a true "cheerleader" or fan. He has been on pins and needles hoping for a shot at the World Series. Yes, they have gotten close-but, each loss hits hard. I have noticed this is the first year since we've been married that he is keeping the Cubs at a distance. He just can't "bear" it.

Our latest cycle of test have hit us hard once again. I am of getting tired of this whole process.

So, we had the sperm analysis this month. Rich passed with flying colors!! Then, the post-coital test...my left ovary was anticipating a release within a few hours. But, we failed the test-no semen! What?!?

Despite having great timing, we get knocked down with a real blow. Yet, I still remain hopeful.

I bought another box of First Response pregnancy test (3 count). Then, I called the RE to hear my results from the progesterone test. It was a 7.8! UGH! Can you believe it? So, this month, we have a no semen & low progesterone...it really is difficult to cheer for Team Baby!

I remember distinctly telling my husband that if we still were trying to conceive by the month before my 36th birthday...I would definitely give up the dream(that was three years ago). I really had hoped that this would be my month, I did give myself an ultimatum.

Yes, tonight, I feel like I'm cheering for a team that never wins. But, then I turned around and looked at my beautiful four year old daughter thanking God that I had at least one grand slam! She is one of those "hits" that will become history.

Brown Spotting

Okay, here comes the brown spotting!  I hate this stuff playing with my head!  So, I really need to go for a walk!  If I start full flow, this will be a 24 day cycle!  I think I want to scream!  It's time to step away from the google searches and step outside and enjoy this cool day.  I need some exercise badly!  Vent!  Vent! Vent!  

Cramps

Boo!  Boo to Cramps!!!!  It's cycle day 24 and I began having light cramping this morning.  I resisted the urge to buy my favorite pee on a stick brand, instead bought the necessary items for a new cycle.  However, I cannot resist my old habits, so I stopped at the dollar store to pick up a few dollar test to satisfy my poas addiction.

My "hot body" contest is going very well!  I lost 1.5 pound this past week!  So, I feel like I'm on a roll now!  I must keep the trend moving downward.  It would be nice to be able to fit back into my summer clothes!  

Got to run,

Kelly

RE Update

We are going to do a few more test to see if there is anything that they can find.  Rich had to do a S/A--fun, fun!  Then, on my next cycle, we will do the post-coital test, along with a progesterone test.  In my heart, I really think that my problem is with implantation/blood clotting.  I read on one board that a girl with my background started Lovenex on cd 6-a part of me wonders if we did that...I wonder if it would help.  When I have done the Ovulation Predicator kits in the past, I have had a surge on CD 10, 11, or 12-in different cycles.  So, I do ovulate on different days.  

He did mention that with Clomid, I should have gotten pregnant on those cycles.  So, hopefully, Clomid is out for us!  I am feeling lots of pings, pulls, etc. (again) inside my belly this cycle.  I have done this in the past with no pregnancy--but, I've done it--with a pregnancy.  No way to predict the future with this one. 

I'm doing really well with my diet.  I just need to stay on task each day.  I think it's a great idea--and I hope to lose ten pounds in the next few weeks!!!!